4 reasons Crystal Skull rocked, 4 reasons it sucked

Why it rocked

Historical references. The Last Crusade had Hitler, Raiders had…more Nazis and Doom had the British Empire. Crystal Skull took it to a new level-atomic bombing, high schoolers, and McCarthyists. It was literally heart-wrenching for me when the FBI agent questioned Jones’ war record. The jock-greaser fight was not only funny, but slightly realistic.

Change of scenery and pace. Since Doom was previously seen as the lesser of the three, we’ll exclude it. Raiders took you to the Peruvian jungle, Nepal, Egypt and the isolated island. The Last Crusade began with Jones as a Boy Scout in Utah, then swept you to Venice, Austria and finally the Valley of the Crescent Moon.

Likewise, Crystal Skull begins in the Nevada desert. The movie has a great moment in the test town, and Indy’s foray into Orellana’s tomb was truly frightening.

Old-school plot. Double-crossers, riddles and ancient legends all stay true to the Indiana Jones franchise. Most movie-goers are familiar enough with El Dorado to be engaged.

Big enemies. The fight between Indy and the Soviet giant was especially entertaining. Every Jones movie features a huge enemy that Indy uses his cunning skills to defeat.

Why it sucked

The sidekick. Raiders had the feisty Marion Ravenwood. Doom had Short and Round. Crusade had Sean Connery. Crystal Skull has…Shia Lebeouf.

A sidekick has to be LIKEABLE. “Mutt”, as he’s called in the movie, isn’t appealing at all. He spends almost the whole movie being a douche to Indiana Jones. I hope Spielburg isn’t banking on Lebeouf to eventually replace Ford, because he can’t. He’s too small and funny looking.

The aliens. Indiana Jones movies aren’t totally realistic, but they’re just a little plausible. Everyone’s heard of the search for the Holy Grail.

But aliens? A flying saucer underneath a Mayan temple? Is this Men in Black or Indiana Jones? It’s just plain weird, and spoils the mood of the movie. It’s an action-adventure, not a sci-fi. There was no reason to even involve aliens, the script could have easily created some sort of natural phenomenon to explain the skull instead of…aliens.

The main enemy.

Remember the Nazi that got chopped up by the propeller? That guy was scary. And the prince in Doom that used voodoo on Indy? He was freaky.

But Spalko is absolutely ridiculous. Her accent just comes across as faked. A rapier? Sorry, a huge-ass sword might have worked, but not a rapier.

I don’t mean to be sexist, but Indy always has to battle a man. That’s just how it is.

Closure. The first three movies simply left off with Indy still single, still adventurous. With a wife and soon, the movie threatens to replace kickassery with family drama. Every “awww” moment translates into plot restriction in later movies.

(I know the script for 5 is already written…Doesn’t mean it’s good)

Will the Indiana Jones franchise fall down the path of James Bond-struggling to find a replacement for Harrison Ford, until they find a perfect one? I really hope it’s not Shia Lebeouf, who certainly isn’t a badass like Ford.